There is a thread between all of my projects here at school- and why I am getting my masters in the first place- and that is essentially re- establishing what i have been doing in the US for the last 22 years, just here. Not just to have a new market to offer myself to, but because the work that I do is so imperative, so valuable and necessary, clearly SO HELPFUL- that I was bullied out of the business by not one but 2 smear campaigns by my other white peers because once the things I was pioneering got out, it would expose my peers as incompetent, and it made more sense to them to force me out than to take my hand and help.
I believe I am a barometer. I measure the atmosphere. I am the litmus test. I have also considered myself a canary in the coalmine and i am not sure where that phrase came from, but just in case, miners put canaries in their coal mines and if they come out sick or dead, they know they cant go in there.
And I feel ive been the canary in the coalmine, and the coalmine told the coal miners to kill the canary. There is something fundamental about my sensitivity, that I feel like I am able to see and intuit communication breakdowns and find solutions immediately.
And it was because what i was doing was so important I was forced out by the very people I brought in to help. Because they wanted to be the ones who thought of it, and executed it instead. But i had it codified and ready and they took me out as I was launching all of it.
i was actually in what i would consider an entirely equitable production a year before I came over here. i’d been fighting for it for some time with my peers, but there it was. It was run by Liz Flemming, who is a low vision actor and producer, her the company is called Out Of The Box theatrics. The show was called Millenials are Killing musicals, and it was an off broadway run. Heres my
HIT number in the show for fun. https://www.millennialsarekillingmusicals.com
These are the ways i felt we were persuing being an entirely equitable company:
- Financial transparency
- dei meetings about Black and queer consciousness.
- Liz set up the entire production to be a safe haven for people to thrive with a counselor assigned to our show.
- We had a first time Black female director.
Even with that carefully cultivated environment, everything went horribly wrong. The producers fought and sued each other, the Black female director lashed out and was let go of. One of the queer actors quit and their understudy who is trans acted out during rehearsals, dragged people on socials, and failed everyone, i mean, it was a total mess. But that was 3 years ago and this is what ive noticed since i went to do it and build it, and it was harmed, and i had to leave the country and change my number. i am here to approach my line of inquiry as an opportunity to rebuild everything I built- without being bullied.
I want to start in the UK with the inclusion efforts that were created by me, and repeat how they blossomed. i believe that in a different position in the industry, the things im doing and have been doing cant get ruined because I am only accessible to the people im with, having an impact on the company and the audience, and not being accessible to the creeps in the industry. Being a part of the whole, not being a vulnerable leader with no protection.
My line of inquiry is what would it look like to live in the industry as a person who can address the culture of the room, the show and the production, and what would it look like to be a person who trains OTHER people to be this kind of person?
So first let me start with coming to school LATE which is unfortunate because i missed a meeting about the culture of school at the very beginning. There were two people assigned in the MA program, and because of the given circumstances, I wasn’t aware.
So i came into school literally running away from being bullied with my guard down in the sense that i put down the part of me that is an inclusion warrior simply to be a student for the first time.
This journal is not an intent to criticise. Because I am a barometer, these are the things that continued to show up, and as an equity warrior, I am connecting who I am, what im capable of, what I dont see and what i can make happen to the environments im in.
ICP
Our first BIG session was our collaborative practice. And it was me and Molly and Shu Yu and Fanny Xu and Yezi. Now -collaborator is my middle name and this entire process began easily, and it was fun and super creative. I made up the idea, it liberated everyone, it was fun and fresh and very perfect for the assignment.
We had no director for the first few sessions and then David came in and he was a horrible person to the group of us, and there was no person for me to talk to about it. Molly went and reported him and she and i spoke to Jess, and that was the beginning of more trouble.
I asked him to please get off the phone 5 times in our first session with him, i was kind, and thoughtful to him in class. The next day in our group text I asked him again to please get off his phone and he lashed out at me because I told him we needed his total attention. he lashed out at me, never apologized, and Scott did the absolute BEST to handle him. It will never be addressed, there is no accountability. His issues got addressed, mine never did and i remained a “lady”. As an inclusion warrior, I apologize for everything, am accountable and change when asked. Since me, David has managed to piss off the rest of the dramaturgy crew, and he sits out of most of the things we do now.
We continued on with the process which was going well in my eyes i left during rehearsals to present at MTEA and I came back a day late, Molly was spinning out, no one was talking to me, and the process became excruciating, with no one to talk to to intervene. No one to check in with Molly on, no mental health first aid, no point person. Our presentation, though Scott said it went well, was PAINFUL, and this is my favorite thing. Collaborating. So is transparent honest conversation and resolution, and there was none. I had to chase after molly to let her know the effect she had on the piece, and me, and brought Candice in to be there for the convo because there needs to be a 3rd party for all conversations like this.
Thats even in a space created by someone as awesome as Scott and a school like this thats cool, there is nothing in place.
I am also an Autistic person, late diagnosed with ADHD.
And there’s nothing in place. There’s an organization that you can make an appointment and ask for help of different kinds. But there is no one in immediate capacity, and if we are looking at the Dramaturgs alone, we are all but one, Neurodivergent. And we had to figure out on our own and with each other, how to study- Neurodivergent. So thank god we are here for each other because we’ve been able to get through some of the more challenging breakdowns in communication together by using our combination of tools. Who is strong at what and how can we be in service to each other. We, coincidentally as a group, are a STUNNING EXAMPLE OF WHAT NEURODIVERGENTS CAN DO.
We just went through an entire pandemic and everyone’s crap came up and we were bullied into making choices for the good of the people around us and none of it stuck. Was it because we were so bullied by the BIPOC communities to change? I took the bullying so it would. And we dont want to do things to help anymore because we’ve been bullied, we want to do it because we want to do it? But to look around and see nothing in place was really startling, especially because I was bullied out of the industry by my peers for having the capacity to create it.
Everyone is in a much worse position than we were before because after the pandemic- we thought the world was going to come back together in some way and it didnt. It got worse, and no one wants to be in the front, or make an effort. Everyone is looking the other way.
This work im doing is an effort to save equity, and the DEI work thats been cancelled from our work, and build some sense of community. We called it the theatre community since i walked into it at 16 years old. I thought it was a bunch of producers who talked to each other, everyone was friends and everyone cared about each other. There were maybe some bad apples, but everyone was on the same team.
That may be autistic- because up until i was bullied out of the industry i had a bit of a warped understanding of the industry and life. I thought i was the problem, and no one gave me the handbook on how to do this world. Everyone else was good at it i was bad at it.
When people bullied me psyched me out, and I couldn’t withstand it, I thought there was something wrong with me that i couldn’t stand it.
I shouldn’t have been bullied, there was nothing wrong with me, and I wasn’t the problem. I was the solution.
What my pursuit WAS and STILL IS is where does my vision belong
how do i fully realize the vision without it getting bullied out of me, so that it lives and thrives from the top to the bottom of our industry?
One more thing before I discuss my placements! I want to talk about what came about when i was in a Black theatre rehearsal in the US. I mentioned it in my Presentation briefly. This was for Spunk, at Yale, which was an all Black musical.
It was a soft, kind, encouraging room, everyone went around the circle and said, either:
“My needs are met”
“I am working on getting my needs met”
“I need assistance to day to get my needs met”
the space felt holy.
There was a Black female leader
everyone established the safety in the room and they celebrated everyone- and everyone treated me like i belonged there.
So what world as a teacher, director, actor, dramaturg, what can be put into place by me?
I was trained very early on in 2 things-
how to be with people of color,
And mental health first aid.
Because of that “What are you in need of and can you identify it within yourself and persue it?”
Placements and projects at Leeds!
Vicky Gimby
My placement with Vicky Gimby did NOT happen yet. I will be with her in JUNE in Chichester for her show, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close with her writing partner, SUCH AND SUCH.
The work we’ve been doing until then is the cool stuff I mentioned in our presentation.
Elena Trow/Hope ( i paid Elena for her coaching!)
The first thing i noticed about people and work is that no one wants to be sent to your work. You have to walk and talk everyone through every single thing you’ve ever done.
In the US i make a folder, and by means of introduction, i send it!
My autistic qualities being in the forefront- there have been a few conversations about whether or not i come forward as an autistic OR a bullied person. When i was talking to Elena Trow, she was saying that that is for the interview. Not for the initial introduction.
To me, i have to let people know that up front because of the things I ask for which are all of the things i have built into the system for transparency.
I guess i also want to be left alone and not bullied.
I asked both Vicky and Elena- the big understanding is, how do i put myself into this framework as someone who is available but not at all interested in interfering or stepping on anyone’s toes?
To come in as someone who can come and go, show up, help and leave. To be able to help with as many elements as i could possibly be a part of to unify everything without risking alienating anyone.
Ensemble devising:
I understand i forgot to record and we will re record for grading, HOWEVER i wanted to make sure i shared a few things here just in case that doesn’t happen:
As referenced in my Presentation we looked at: of all the different margins we live in, what do people see first?
In terms of my pursuit of a safe place from the start is:
a low vision person could be offered at the onset:
braille
bigger print
someone to verbally translate information to them
magnifying block, recordings to learn from.
Someone hard of hearing
Or with hearing loss
can
Focus on lip reading
Ask for extra time for rehearsals
sit closer in rehearsals
Once we identify their needs, we address the needs of the script, and the needs of the rehearsal.
A final thought- when I was working with the freshman on ther ensemble Divising and presenting my idea of what would it look like to set up a room of transparency? Where everyone knew what people were going through and new how to properly support them?
the two things that rose up out of that question were as follows:
I also referenced this in my presentation -raise your hand if you feel you can be transparent? they responded “we have no idea how to be transparent, we are trying to not cause any issues or be a problem”
they also responded with asking the question, “ whats the difference between transparency and privacy?”
I said privacy is very important and THATS why you need a point person in the room. Who you feel can keep your secret and protect you so you can be your absolute self in the room.
This was however much i messed up the flooring, a very important session for them and me!
In Dramaturgy Class:
Rubys class is awesome and Ruby is SUCH a talented Dramaturg.
When we got to the Musical Theatre Section she was apologetic and said, this isnt my gig but this is what i understand, this is what was told to me/given to me.
And the way she described Musical Theatre from head to toe was supremacist and she is so cautious and caring and sensitive around all of that. She really cares. I have not told her that she is organizing MT by year and not by style. I have to tell her and my guess is that will be at the end of the year feedback.
But it really rubbed in that I was bullied out for knowing too much, and everyone is still in the dark because of it.
Observing Class:
Andrew’s History of Musical Theatre class for the Masters. I asked Andrew if I can sit in on his Musical theatre history class for the Masters students.
It was very very cool to see someone speak on our industry from the British point of view. HOWEVER. He got his musical theatre history from the stated and it could not have been more wrong. Like it was SO WRONG it was really really wrong. I asked Andrew if i can come in the next Monday for a few minutes and add in my work to what they were told and i never heard back from him.
So in the school so far, and I really love it here, with nothing in place, I had to deal with David and never get an apology or acknowledgement, Molly flipped out and didnt communicate and that ruined a very good and creative and fulfilling experience, and the third thing I can mention happened WHILE i was presenting.
I was there for the whole day, and was incredibly attentive to everyone and cheered everyone on. We took a 15 minute break before I went, and about a quarter of the way through my presentation i had to say, “ why is everyone on your phones, I just sat through an entire day paying attention to you. “
I went home pissed, and thought,”exactly. There is nothing in the culture here that asked everyone to put their phones down while people are talking.” So i am experiencing the cultural issues of the school while one of the cultural issues is effecting me in that very moment.
Little Shop of Horrors Project/Class –
I heard about the Little Shop project and came right over. I knew absolutely nothing and came. I was in total shock because it was intended to be an excercize to help them with their acting, and there was no acting. It was entirely goals based, i.e, what do you want to give get or do, and I was like, where’s the groove, where’s the doo wop sound, where’s the entire essence of the show? In an effort to work on their acting, they left the place where all the acting is and thats the style. Little shop of horrors is a Motown era dark comedy. Audrey is inspired by Dusty Springfield, Orin is Elvis, the urchins are a girl group. I ended up immediately asking Aaron and Andrew if we can do another class and I could bring that stuff in with Andrew, and that really upset Aaron. What i ended up finding out from Scott later was that that was the point. The acting is poor, and this was an effort to improve it. This is not the show. The acting is in capturing the tone and time. And it was hard to know what i know and to be there.
All of the students, when they weren’t singing were sitting on stage, and in the audience, which i thought was awesome. But thats the live studio audience in the 50s that that idea was emulating. So i WISHED i had the opportunity to come in earlier in the process than the actual class. I would have had them dress in the style, and ACT AS A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE AND THESE WERE MOTOWN TUNES GETTING LIVED OUT ON STAGE IN THE STORY!!!!!
That is how I would have “framed” the class project.
Small Island Placement
Another place that I feel like I was effected by the lack of a communal shared culture at Leeds was at Leeds Playhouse with the rehearsal process on Small Island.
There was a gigantic issue with people interrupting rehearsals.
I interrupted rehearsals first before anyone else did and i admit that, but what problem arose from that is I apologized, let them know I misunderstood directions and it wont happen again. That was great and they received it well. More people started interrupting rehearsals through the course of the week, and by the time the weekend came, I wasn’t allowed in rehearsals because it because too disruptive for all parties. So i lost R&D time. So I thought , even though the playhouse AND the School are separate from each other, its all part of what i was saying doesn’t exist.
Part of that has to do with my understanding the culture of the UK
And what i think is the same and different in terms of our theatrical “climate” so to speak.
part of that has to do with the fact that we HAD DEI and we dont anymore. at the beginning of the pandemic, it really looked like we
Were. Going to make the leap towards people being better.
We were making tremendous progress. It was unfortunate that it took George Floyd’s death to actually move the needle, but i was certain it did.
Contributions in equity work/RTA to the school
Aarons pop/rock class
This is an article from the Liverpool University press about Engagement with disability practices. In this article they share the understandings of 7 actors 12 directors: this is June 2025 and it is JUST on disability and the process for working with people with varying disabilities. Imagine if this is developed, made sweet and short, and then applied to all margins?
My PAID work as a Dramaturg on Exalted:
About 15 years ago, I taught a student in NYC, Kristin Leigh Springer. She was a pretty KOOKY BIRD, a voice teacher, but she and I remained in each others periphery over the years.
When I came to school she saw on socials that I was getting a degree in Dramaturgy and said she had a script idea, and would I like to meet. She moved her family to Ireland and has had very spiritual experiences there and asked if I was a free.
Since October, I have been paid to be the Dramaturg on the Musical that has POURED OUT OF HER.
I am helping her create a pitch and she is likely to pitch it to our school! This is how I would describe the show we found together:
As politics and destructive American Culture cause the US to fall apart, Cara, wife to Shawn and mother to preteen Emme, find out there’s a work opportunity to take Emme (also falling apart) to Ireland for an open ended amount of time.
Once they arrive, they find themselves immersed in the supernatural mysticism in The Celtic Lore of the town and connect and heal themselves in relationship to members of the spirit realm.
Exalted is about the spirit realm and all the gifts of self reflection it has to offer if you choose to engage.
( RIGHT UP MY ALLEY)
Some of my work as Dramaturg:
Reading all initial script and script ideas
Listening to recordings/ arrangements
Provocative question asked:
I don’t know anything about Cara, who is she and I need clarification on the effect the two are having on each other.
Clean up script, edits, re-read
Addressing music styles, Caras relationship with her husband back home,
Streamlining the songs and making them more efficient
Continuity
Provocative question asked
Cara and her husband Shawns relationship was over the phone/zoom. I asked, even though its what we do, if that was dramatic enough to keep me and made a suggestion of see them on speaker phone in their own spaces might really work!
Clean up scripts to make them ready for submission which includes
An entire pass through, clicking on a link attached to each song title, and listen to each piece and read it like im watching/experiencing a musical.
Final notes/ final submission reviews.
My wholistic experience at school has been really incredible! I feel behind as an AUDHD person, and frustrated at the capacity of young people sometimes, and this program is having growing pains and im ok with that. What I am excited about it there is a world for me here! A need for my point of view on the world, a need to introduce more of what i understand about us culture and learn more about UK culture and bring them together!
