Introduction
At the kick-off of the year Leeds Conservatoire was a very exciting but scary prospect. Studying here wasn’t a decision I made lightly, choosing actor musician over my offer for the folk course.
And what an amazing year it’s been!
Before I begin I think it’s important to preface my experiences of this year by mentioning that I arrived here straight off the tailend of a deeply stressful couple of years: having to flee home and recovering from anorexia. I mention this because I can safely say that this course has not only changed me as an artist but, in a way, has saved my life. As you’ll notice below there are many things I’ve had to unlearn alongside the new practices I’ve picked up, both of which I think have been crucial for my development as an actor musician.
I have always been relentlessly driven but in meeting this cohort at the start of the year, working during ensemble weeks, I realised that I don’t have to go it alone. This ensemble was going to be very important and teamwork was going to be integral moving forward. By the end of the year, I probably wouldn’t recognise who I’d become and this was a safe place to work towards that.
Artistic Development
This class has been vital in bridging my social development with my artistic development. I’ve sometimes found honest reflection difficult but I’ve learnt that it’s important to hold yourself accountable and have a reflective practice tailored specifically to you. The open environment in class where I’ve seen other people be so vulnerable made me realise that there’s lots of strength in this. Throughout the year I’ve surprised myself and have managed to share my peaks and troughs more freely with others, learning that the more you communicate the easier it becomes. I also picked up methods like journaling to help me document how changeable my creativity can be. In the future, when I work with other ensembles I will endevour to carry on working on being receptive- understanding that criticism can be constructive, opinions are subjective and empathy is a really important skill within a group. I know this is easier said than done but I hope to become a cast member who others can depend on and trust.
‘Being seen’
I used to get really cross at myself for being a performer who struggles with people looking at me, it didn’t make sense. Having this strong compulsion to drop eyecontact and turn my face away from people is deeply counterproductive to acting. I find it hard to admit but I think I’m often scared that what people see in me won’t be good enough. This frustrates me because why would I ever let something as silly as peoples opinions hold me back? An important lesson has been acknowledging caring what other people think is very real and very common. If I am aware of this, I don’t have to bow down to it anymore. Moving forward I want to be able to trust in my abilities and remember that there’s a reason I’m here, not just that I love it but that I’m good at it and deserve to get better at it. Because of this I’ve tried to volunteer more in lessons, to gain experience. It frustrated me when I’d see others go up when I was too scared to try. Theoretically I knew that it was fine, I shouldn’t care if I got something wrong in front of others but my body refused. Eventually I concluded that I could not force it. If I was patient with myself and took smaller steps I’d find my feet sooner. By the end of the year I performed in front of the whole year with a duet at ‘first fest’. Whilst I was nervous, I felt comfortable under everyone’s gaze. This feels like huge progress for me and I’m really proud of all the work I’ve put in.
Movement Technique
Throughout the first term we worked on relaxing, strengthening and alignment, going through different areas of the body systematically. Going into this I started to see I had a lot of things to unlearn. My body held huge amounts of tension that I wasn’t aware of meaning the flow of my movements was limited. I didn’t know that the interconnectivity between these parts had such a big effect on how the body moves as a whole. Over the weeks I started to notice a real difference in the quality of my movement. I now know that by isolating the areas that are central to how we move, (the hips, spine, neck/head) and learning exercises to engage them, you gain awareness of yourself in a space. This means you can tell better stories in how you move. It is also really crucial for warming up your body and getting ready for a rehearsal. During this I struggled with the tension in my shoulders and my abs. My feedback was to breathe through movements and take more time, so I started to employ this outside of class. If I noticed my shoulders hiking up, holding tension, I would take a deep breath and let it go, rolling them back. Zoe described it as ‘your shoulder blades sliding down your back’ which I have found helpful imagery whilst doing this. Oftentimes I would have days when I was more tense than others. Through this I have learnt that it’s important to be intentional and aware of how your body is each day, having a personal process to counteract this. During the term I collected together exercises we were taught that I found particularly worked for me, with ADHD I find it difficult to keep track in my head so having something I can reference when I need it works well for me. Having a personal warm up is really important for when we reach projects year 2 & 3 so that I don’t injure myself and have a sense of energy and readiness for rehearsals.
Dance and choreography
When looking at creating solos in term one I felt like a complete idiot. Though I was physically fit and had stamina, the process of devising a solo I found horrifically awkward. I don’t think I was able to fully commit to it because of a fear of not doing well. Unfortunately I feel I didn’t give my all during the solo’s sharing and among my bigger regrets for this year. Despite this I learnt some useful techniques for creating choreography from Donald in the process, using hand signals to improvise a sequence of movements. My regret at holding myself back spurred me on to work harder during the run up to our assessment. I was surprised as I completely fell in love with the subject from the moment we started speakeasy. As I came to the course primarily a musician, I seemed to have a really strong connection to the genre after listening to the music we’d be dancing to. Getting into the rhythms of the era sparked alot of ideas. I found that I could access the characterisation and make bolder choices as working within the musical genre created a specific boundary for my imagination. This works similarly for me as the Mike Alfreds work we did in acting technique- by giving yourself clear parameters you are free to try different ways of reaching an objective, it can be different every night. What I think made this work so well for me is the sense of play it fosters in a room. Having the music to connect to makes me tune out overthinking and loosen up which has been something I’ve discovered is extremely important this year. The difference in the duet I choreographed for speakeasy and my solo is huge. Looking back, if I had worked on connection to the music more in the first term, would my solo have come more easily to me?When choreographing I allowed myself to be ambitious, it was more empowering to aim outside of my comfort zone. My partner (Torin) and I added lifts, throws and him dragging me into the splits at the end. My splits were not completely down, having to be very warm to do them so I started stretching most evenings after classes. Donald often said that we should be at full energy in rehearsals not suddenly amping it up in the performance as we would lack stamina. Due to this I really pushed myself throughout the process and felt overall stronger for it. Something I want to take into second year is the process of falling in love with a project, finding a way to personally connect to it. My quality of work when I am comfortable with a project is much greater so finding something to be passionate about is a good tool. I was dedicated to our piece and found it truly fulfilling, reminding me that moments like these are why I am here!
Devised Movement
I struggled the most with devised movement. This subject doesn’t come naturally to me, I often found it hard to keep up. Sometimes during lessons I would feel frustrated to the point of tears when I wasn’t sure what I was being asked to do or what something should look like. I’d freeze, drawing focus and disconnecting me from the rest of the ensemble. We covered different viewpoints: Topography, Kinaesthetic response, Gesture, Architecture,Shape, Tempo, Duration, Spacial relations and repetition- all of which require you to listen and have synergy with others. It’s been a huge lesson in patience for me overall. With my ADHD I find it hard to slow things down but it’s essential in trying to find the same nature of movement as the group. This is still something I’d like to get better at since I often revert back to my fast pace when challenged. I think it would help me to consume more examples of movement based performances. My knowledge of what I personally like or would want to create is lacking. Over the summer I am going to attempt to go and see some shows with this in mind.
Voice
I have progressed massively in voice this year. I hadn’t done spoken voice training before despite doing some odd bits of voice acting work so it’s been extremely enlightening learning what’s required daily for actor’s voices. It took me a while to get to grips with breathing in term 1 due to the tension in my body. The work we did in movement technique mirrored the release and alignment exercises in voice and aided overcoming this. Jo suggested that my tight core may partially be down to running. I had been too busy to run but considered this when trail running back home in Inverness over christmas. I tried to implement the ‘splat’ release of my abdominals and was shocked at how pairing it with movement meant it was much easier. It even helped me run better!
I had a lightbulb moment at the end of the first term with breathing. We were reading aloud a poem called ‘the house that Jack built’, adding a line each time on one outbreath. I found that you don’t need to actively breathe in, if you release your abdominals, the breath flies in on its own. When I pinpoint the focus on releasing from my centre and not my lungs, it just happens naturally. This is hard as I tend to overthink and want to figure out how to progress quickly. I’ve discovered that voice is about setting up good technique and feeling how to do it. It takes time to get right. Though reading books like Linklater’s ‘Freeing the Natural Voice’ helps give an approach, you can’t suddenly know how to do it without dedicated practice. With the assessment I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it despite being anxious about remembering to do so many things at once. I chose a narrative text with really strong characters (Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett) and used a character qualities prompt sheet from Lily to find the quirks they had.
I feel confident in my ability with accents but had never thought about how resonance would change depending on age or mood. I’m glad I chose to work with accents as I felt more connected to the two old witches I played and maintained the original parodic tone of the text. Next year I’m excited to jump into more character work now I have a foundation in technique. I would like to tackle bolder characters with strange qualities.I don’t feel I’m where I want to be with voice yet but I have progressed greatly. My most common feedback has been that my jaw is tight and is trapping the sound waiting to come out. This was frustrating despite my work so I made sure to add specific time into my warm up for jaw release. I tried to do these Jaw exercises each morning when I could, helping me try to use better vocal technique in other classes. In a script exercise at the beginning of may, Jo told me that my jaw was much better and I was starting to create a nice sound. Over the summer I want to practice speaking text aloud as much as possible, focusing on my jaw and clarity so that it can start becoming second nature. Jo always stresses the power of daily personal practice in voice, so I will think of my voice like I would an instrument- 5 minutes a day, everyday is better than one hour a week!
Musicianship
When I came to Lcon most of my performance experience was in music. I arrived feeling confident in my abilities but in some ways I have felt caged this year. It’s been extremely valuable and rewarding to start learning violin and bass. I’ve gained more range as an instrumentalist and it was humbling to be back at square one with an instrument. Despite the good it’s done, I’ve felt like a part of me has been missing. My guitar feels like an extension of my creativity and I’ve sorely missed it. I’ve had some opportunities to use it with devised work like my emo arrangement of ‘king of the swingers’ from the Junglebook in music lab but as so many people were starting guitar, I’ve had to diplomatically use other instruments from my repertoire. I am aware that this will often be the case in creative process so I am teaching myself to be less emotionally involved but it feels like I’ve not had the chance to fully stretch my wings over the year with everything that I can do. I got into a bit of a spiral, frustrated, with lack of time I had to priotisise my new instruments over the others I already played. It’s probably quite self indulgent to admit that I wanted to prove to people that I genuinely am good at what I do. This meant that when I got an opportunity to show something, I seemed to mess it up.
An important conclusion I have made is that I’m upset by it all because I am sincerely passionate about music so I need to refocus that passion, start making things again. Because of my ADHD with remembering to eat, sleep and do all the work I’ve had to get done, I’ve stopped doing what has always kept me going. I’d stopped writing songs, stopped making stuff. I can’t think of a single thing more crucial to my development and happiness as an actor musician as this is. Over the summer I will play as much guitar as I want to and have as much creative freedom as possible so that I feel confident in myself as a musician again. Going forward into second year I am determined to stop hiding this part of myself and advocate for my work. I need to remind myself how central music is to my identity and be aware of allowing it to slip out of my priorities.
Sight reading
This rapidly became my favourite lesson of the week. At the start of the year we covered some basic theatre knowledge ( types of theatres/stages) as well as technical stage craft. For me it was a relief to be brought up to speed as unlike the rest of the class, I hadn’t formally studied drama. In Term one I used to be embarrassed when I had gaps in my knowledge that seemed to be things everyone knew. Going into the second term I began to realise that embarrassment didnt serve me whatsoever, if anything by thinking of my acting as behind everyone, I was capping my ability. I also remembered something poignant my mother, an opera singer, had been told by my Grandfather (also an actor) when she was younger about being jealous of other people getting roles- you have to be happy for people, you are not determined by others, be quietly confident and never bitter. He said to always be pleased for other people. Actors he knew who were successful were always happy to see others do things even if they thought that someone wasn’t that good. I would apply this inwardly when I began to describe myself as ‘mainly a musician’ to others. It would remind me that I don’t need to define my ability for others. This became relevant in sightreading when we began looking at texts. After observing for a few weeks I started volunteering. There was something about the environment of this class that made me feel more confident in acting than other acting centric classes. Matt spoke about bold choices from early on and his enthusiasm gave me the conviction to try things out. I really enjoy having to think on my feet and text in front of you allows you to fully play with what you’re doing. It was beneficial to be told to make a choice and stick with it, as I can easily become stuck in indecision. I also enjoyed exposure to different kinds of plays that I hadn’t heard of before. One which stood out was Beth and I’s scene from ‘Blank’ by Alice Birch titled ‘Ryvita’. It is a play about adults and children impacted by the criminal justice system consisting of a collection of many different stand alone scenes. Specifically ‘ryvita’ talks about what it feels like when adults are absent in a child’s life. This was impactful to me and I let my inhibitions go. The scene was really well received and Matt told us ‘if we made these choices in rehearsals he’d want us to bring them every time’. I really enjoy working with Beth as we have fostered a good synergy between our instincts and communicate easily. I think this scene went so well because we listened to one another, following what the other was offering. I know that sometimes you find people you naturally click with when working but I also know that you can work to find that too. Moving forward into second year and beyond I will endeavor to listen to my scene partners and stay open to offers that I may not expect. I think some of the best work comes from moments where someone surprises you.
The freedom with this class also meant I got to explore different tones of scenes. I found a love for comedy amongst this. We did a play called ‘a super happy story (about feeling super sad)’ in which the topic of severe depression is juxtaposed with light hearted songs and rap. I played a character called Toby who was the greasy childhood friend to the main character. I felt emboldened during this specific day and it really paid off. I made bold choices, which got a lot of laughs. Eventhough I served as a foil to the main characters struggles, I still felt like I found a deeper character development with Toby and felt fully ‘in’ the action of the play. Matt said he really enjoyed just watching us perform whcih was validating. I keep having moments where I relax, trust my instincts and then get great feedback from my peers. It’s really been eye opening. I aim to trust my gut more in the future. My instincts are stronger than I give them credit for. It’s becoming clear to me that thinking too much inhibits my acting, taking me out of character and into my head. I want to continue to develop the process of what works for me, especially finding better methods for character preparation which is an area I feel weaker on. With this stronger, I can feel better prepared and trust my instincts once I am in the room.
Screen
Something Phil mentioned often has really stayed with me, becoming a mental note to give myself whilst rehearsing. The concept of ‘starting light’. This came up as a direction in many scenes and I could always clearly see the difference it made. Phil described it as ‘giving the scene more stakes’, with somewhere to progress to it’s much more interesting. I found it surprising when he explained that ‘starting light’ doesn’t have to be literal but can be in the energy of the scene. I knew exactly what he meant but had never thought about it like that before. I think it’s particularly important with screen acting as such subtle changes in the energy can be picked up by a viewer. It’s about having a sense of play as an actor when going into a scene regardless of the tone/topic. That sense of play doesn’t necessarily mean lighthearted but fully engaged and open to trying things. This is something which has become a tenet of my personal process in both stage and screen when tackling new things.
One of our assignments involved editing which I liked much more than I guessed I would. I found it sparked ideas for different things I could make and write. I’d like to practice more editing over the summer, making some short filmed content as an adventure into screen writing! This is a valuable skill for actors to have as multimedia is becoming more prevalent within the industry. With funding being harder to come by having skills to make things myself will be indispensable.
Acting technique
It’s been compelling for me to learn about different practitioners this year. I had no previous acting training so I felt like a kid in a candy shop, the different methods were all just so new! The term where we covered Mike Alfreds was strange to me. I hadn’t thought of acting as specifically methodical before so I wasn’t sure how far it worked for me. What did hit home was the ‘different every night’ concept which Esther loosely described as ‘having the bounds to work within so you are safe to try different ways of achieving your objective’. We did exercises highlighting tactics, trying to change your partner through different choices. Though the constant overexaggeration of changing tactics felt a little wooden to me, I could see the difference in belivability and energy brought to the text. At the time these exercises felt relentless but on reflection I can see how it made me aware of how important paying attention to the person acting opposite you is, how much more engrossing a story that tells. Covering the Laban efforts made me focus more on physical state, something I often forget and learning about ‘point of concentration’ was very useful for my visual learner type brain. It’s where you bring a wider theme from the scene into your thought process before you start acting but then don’t have it in the forefront of your mind once you begin. This really works for my acting process as I have mild synethetsia and hold pictures/colours in my memory easier than words. It’s like creating a scrapbook of images and logging themes into the back of my mind to put me on the right setting for a scene.
The most progress I feel I have made during the last term whilst working with Alex. I find the kind of room he directs to be a really good space for exploration. We were using an extract from a play called ‘til the stars come down’. Our scene was a dualog between characters Maggie, played by Beth and John, me. This felt like an amalgamation of all the things we’ve been taught coming together- we were encouraged to have more freedom and try what works for us. It was interesting to play a more masculine character which is more out of my comfort zone. I found it challenging at first to find the physicality but I tried to use the ‘magic if’ for John’s emotional state and how that might affect his body in the situation. The coming together of acting technique and movement helped me to understand the character and find a closer sense of reality in him. I really revelled in these last acting technique sessions where we covered some Uta Hagen methods like the fourth side. Alex mentioned the third year shows as an example, in moments where a character might feel the urge to hide away it’s important to remember that if you do the audience will miss all of the compelling emotions on your face. The constant reminder Alex gave about how important it is to know the world around your characters really resonated with me. I’m quite a detail oriented person sometimes caught up in the small things so I can really get into knowing what the world around my character looks like, it helps me access their personality. As I’ve said in other sections, I feel that my takeaway from acting technique this year is a solid foundation in my own methodology and an excitement to add new concepts to this. I’ve found that acting is vastly subjective, everyone has a difference in what’s effective for them and all the people I get to work with will influence me as I find the methods that feel right.
Research for performance
Research for performance has taught me just how severely important research is to one’s creative process. I’ve learnt that reading the play isn’t good enough and wider knowledge can make or break a role. It’s also shown me that being dedicated is totally worth it. I didn’t quite understand what was being asked of us in the earlier lessons of the year, assuming this lesson was the ‘academic’ one in our time table. I didn’t register how closely applying research to your work runs alongside acting technique. We did lots of projects in different groups throughout and I struggled with how different people worked. When I did the extracts from Antigone, I felt underprepared trying to keep up with a group who had all studied it at school and militantly made schedules and lists. When I did the John ford mash up of Tis pity she’s a whore and The broken heart, I felt overworked and carried most of the weight on my shoulders alone. These extremes taught me that whilst research can be a solo burden, in a devising process it’s important to bring ideas/research to the communal table as early as possible. Forgetting difference in work styles, the more everyone is on the same page the better.
My last two projects in this subject might be my favourite things we’ve done all year. We had to create a piece using artaud’s manifesto and a theatre of cruelty style. We looked at banned books using Lord of the Flies and then in the assessment 1984 by Orwell. I was surprised when I found Artuads manifesto and writing to be easier to understand when I allowed myself to empathise with him. It seems to be that applying empathy to academia makes it easier to immerse myself and connect with harder concepts. This has inspired me to try to tackle more literature about acting for fun as I tend to avoid non-fiction until I need it. I’d like to read at least one book about the craft before starting second year.
As I’m very visual, I don’t always have the words to fit what I see in my head when I have an idea. These two projects have shown me that it can be better if I don’t rush in immediately and overwhelm people as well as myself when I explain in too many words. If I give myself time in my head to arrange how to explain, it’s much smoother. This is absolutely something I am going to practice next year as it meant the process was lighter and I felt more grounded with people I am working with. I am always looking for new ways to work with people better as I can be really affected by an energy with a group. I want to have more ways to weather tension and be as open as possible from my side. This will be something that I will take notice of as I get involved with more projects in second year.
Our end result was praised a lot by Ben and Tyrell which was really rewarding. Some feedback was how the depth and level of commitment we showed is what we should give to every project we approach. I found this comment lit a fire under me and made me feel raring to start second year projects.
Conclusion
This year has got me thinking about who I want to be as an actor. Not only have I found qualities to aim for but I have now gained a better level of respect for the abilities I already have.
When I look back I regret my lack of confidence, my overthinking and the times when I didn’t commit. I think my regret really speaks for itself as these have been the things most likely to trip me up. Consistently I’ve proved that allowing myself to be bold and loud is not a bad thing, that I don’t have to hide anymore. I really believe in ownership of process and I’m now seeing the different disciplines come together to form the foundations of my methodology, only I think it’s time to bring a little bit more ‘personality’ to what I put out- divulge a bit more of who I actually am. It’s harder to portray other people authentically when I spend my days suppressing myself. The most important thing for me now is meeting things face first, gaining experience and applying what I’ve cobbled together practically. In second year I want to look comfortable on stage and be comfortable with the unknown. I feel after this year I am in good stead to do that. I also need to remember to be more positive because I really am lucky to have a chance to be here. And maybe biggest of all, at the end of the day, ‘it’s just singing and dancing’ as Laura puts it, so I should get as much enjoyment out of it as possible.
I’m really proud of my hard work and where I’m currently at. I feel at the precipice of my acting journey and I am boundless with excitement for where year 2 will take me.
Bibliography
Alfreds, M. (2007) Different every night: Freeing the Actor. Nick Hern Books.
Artaud, A. (1958) The theater and its double.
Birch, A. (2019) [BLANK]. Oberon Books.
Brittain, J. and Jones, M.F. (2017) A super happy story (About feeling super sad). Bloomsbury Publishing.
Ford, J. and Webster, J. (2014) The Duchess of Malfi, The White Devil, The Broken Heart and ’Tis Pity She’s a whore: with The White Devil, The Broken Heart and ’Tis Pity She’s a Whore. Penguin UK.
Golding, William. (2016) Lord of the Flies.
Hagen, Uta. (2024) RESPECT FOR ACTING: Expanded Version, 3rd Edition.
Houseman, B. (2002) Finding your voice: A Step-by-step Guide for Actors. Psychology Press.
Linklater, K. (1976) Freeing the natural voice. https://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA63165235.
McCaw, D. (2012) The Laban Sourcebook. Routledge.
Orwell, G. (2013) 1984. HarperCollins.
Pratchett, T. (2009) Witches abroad: A Discworld Novel. Harper Collins.
Sophocles (1853) Antigone.
Stanislavsky, K. (1977) An actor prepares.
Steel, B. (2024) Till the stars come down. Faber & Faber Plays.
